I am 33 years old and have had vaginismus for as long as I can remember.
I remember the first time I tried to have penetrative sex, it was literally impossible – I was 21 years old. 12 years have passed since that first experience and I continued to live my life with vaginismus telling myself that there was something wrong with me, as more experiences led to pain and frustration and feeling like I wasn’t good enough.
I was constantly hearing about how my friends were having great experiences, so I decided that it wasn’t in the cards for me and that I was just “unlucky” or this is just my life.
This led me to be closed off to a point that I just wasn’t dating anymore or trying to date. If the opportunity came up, I took it, but feared it leading to PIV intercourse. I wanted to be intimate with people and things felt really good up until the actual intercourse part.
If I was in relationships, it got to a point where we were unable to connect on an intimate level that was comfortable for the both of us, which was frustrating and heartbreaking and led to me becoming more closed off whether I realized it or not.
About 8 months ago my friend sent me Katrin’s Instagram page saying that I might benefit from it, and also knowing that others are going through the same thing, which to be honest – it felt like I was the only one.
I started my 1-on-1 journey with Katrin a bit hesitant, but also excited, assuming I knew what was to come and feeling negatively at first, as I had told myself that I am unlucky.
The program has been amazing.
I didn’t realize that so much emotional work took part in overcoming vaginismus. I had all the wrong information on dilators and how to use them. The program for me wasn’t just steps to take, but it is heart and soul and there was a point where I couldn’t believe how much release was happening in my body, emotionally and physically.
A specific win I had was when I could put the 4th dilator in me without pain, this happened two months into the process – I am now on the second last dilator with ease.
I also started to find myself more confident and okay with the unknown and rejection. I let go of control. I started to use my body and mind more, to meditate, stretch, exercise and am slowly getting in touch with all of the parts of me that I had shut down.
I have always had a hard time crying and I find myself now more in touch with my emotions than ever and it feels good to not be hiding from myself anymore.
Obviously this is a process and I am still learning, and when mine and Katrin’s 4 months were coming to an end, I knew I wasn’t ready to let that go. This has been a great support for me, and for that I am forever grateful as I continue to work with her.
In a way it’s hard to explain how I feel as vaginismus is so personal and you often feel so alone going through it. I think having Katrin by my side to support and guide me has been life altering, and if there is anything I wish for others with vaginismus, it’s to go ahead on this journey with Katrin, who has overcome vaginismus, who will understand what you’re going through and who can support you.
– Risha (33 years old, London, UK)
