You say no to meeting up with girlfriends anymore because you can't stand the conversation going to sex.
You want to be happy for their AH-mazing sex lives, you really do, but every time it's mentioned, you're reminded of the blatant emptiness you feel inside knowing their wild amounts of pleasure feels like only pain for you.
You barely hold yourself together as you get dressed and make your way out of the doctor's office.
How in the WORLD do people get through these pelvic exams and are just 'fine' after?! It makes no sense to you why your body is acting in this way - your butt was literally lifting off the table trying to avoid the cold, piercing touch of the speculum. Even though consciously you told yourself that THIS time, you'll figure out a way to just get through it, you just couldn't. And though you thought pushing through the pain was the best option here, you absolutely NEVER want to do that again.
You see your partner doing his best to support you, to show his love, but you can see in his eyes that something is missing that you just can't provide.
And you're feeling incredible amounts of guilt for not being able to have a full and complete sex life with him. Sometimes you are so convinced that he deserves better and you're simply not good enough, that you're on the verge of breaking up. Every time you talk about it, he talks you out of it, but you don't know how much longer that game will go for.
Every time your partner is inside you, you fight back your tears of agony.
You press him against your chest so he can't see the pain written all over your face. You wish things would be different but you just want HIM to be happy and you can't risk losing this relationship. So you grit your teeth through the pain and try to mentally escape the moment. You count down the minutes and seconds until it's over so you can roll on your side and try to sleep the pain away.
You lay in bed in tears, with your slimy dilator by your side again.
Disappointed that it didn't go fully yet again, and the little bit that it did had you feeling like someone lit a fire inside your vagina. The burning is indescribable and you simply can't understand how these dilators are meant to be helpful if they're only causing you pain! There must be something you're missing, but every time you've tried to talk to someone about what is going on with your body, you've been met with blanks stares or worse, the 'you just need to learn how to relax' line. You get off your bed, wash the lubricant off your dilator and put it back in the dark drawer where it belongs.
You feel like the tightness in your body is getting worse every day.
Even though you're not consciously aware of the tight muscles between your legs, each attempt at penetration is a reminder of what's really going on. What's most noticeable is the pain you're feeling in your jaw, neck, shoulders, back and even hips and knees and you don't know how much longer you can go with this constant discomfort in your body.
You see couples with little kids at the park and you heart drops.
You feel hopeless about being able to have penetrative sex to get pregnant in the first place and let's not talk about pushing a baby out of your vagina! You want to be a mother so bad, and the unknown of building a family is starting to be unbearable.
You feel like your body is betraying you and you hate that you can't seem to 'just relax' like your doctor told you.
You tried their other recommendation to have a glass of wine, and even a bottle, but nothing could drown out the physical pain of penetration. Even a tampon can't go in and when you go to sleep at night, you can't help but think that you're failing as a woman... You're starting to lose faith in yourself.
Every day, you think of how MAYBE you should freeze your eggs.
Your fertility clock is ticking and having kids of your own is starting to feel even less attainable. If you don't figure this out and put an end to this pain, you may never make your dream of a happy family come true. And you fear that even your partner would leave you to pursue someone who can be the mother of his children. In 5 years and even in 10 years, you would be alone, wishing things were different. Cursing vaginismus and everything it has ruined.