I have found though that many of us experience a certain level of discomfort related to the penis.
Whether it’s the shape itself…
Or our perception this body part has been tainted by various factors – fearful and painful experiences of the past, or simply what we’ve heard about the penis being used as a weapon in our society..
I sure remember that seeing this body part for the first time created feelings of disgust within me rather than curiosity and excitement!
And later in life, when I saw my partner naked for the first time and thus saw the penis body part in a sexual context, I found myself having mixed feelings.
Although I was sexually excited, it definitely wasn’t from the sight of my partner’s penis (sorry ex-boyfriend)!
As well, I was definitely in disbelief that THAT is going to fit inside ME.
Can you relate?
What can we do to shift the way that we perceive the male body?
There are various ways to approach this, where working with our subconscious is one path to creating long-term change.
Alternatively, I invite you to engage in one particular practice to help create a neutral and later beautiful relationship to the entirety of your partner’s body!
The idea is that you begin to associate the same loving feelings that you have towards HIM with his body and specifically his penis.
Knowing that no intended sexual arousal or penetration is going to be part of the equation in this practice, this gives your nervous system a chance to down-regulate and calibrate to safety related to the very nature of your partner’s body.
- While fully dressed to start (or naked right away if you prefer), sit beside each other and turn to look into his eyes.
- Feel the energy of safety, comfort and love in being present with him, the man that you love and trust, and then immediately shift your gaze to his genitals.
- Tell yourself with your inner voice “This penis belongs to this man. It is connected to him and it is HE who controls it. My man will keep me safe.”
- Continue to alternate between looking into his eyes and at his penis, for as long as feels right. You may even notice that this loving connection and the presence during this practice has him become turned-on enough to make his penis erect.
- If you both would like to, you can incorporate some touch here which can add an air of eroticism. In this new context, continue the practice and notice within yourself how your experience changes. (Many of us face a greater sense of threat towards an erect penis compared to a flaccid one!) Whatever the situation, do your best to bring that same energy of love and even curiosity as you look at and touch him and his body.
- Leaning into any curiosity that may be present, allow yourself to visually explore his penis in even more detail. Really look at it and combine this visual exploration with your touch. Notice what stands out to you as a pleasant part of this experience for you – whether it’s how a certain part feels against your skin, or a detail that you noticed visually that you never noticed before..
- Next, whether he is erect or not, place one hand gently on his face and the other on his penis and just allow yourself to be there with him during this touch. This helps create a tactile relationship between you and his penis in a relaxed, non-sexual context, so that a foundation of neutrality and friendliness can be curated related to his genitals.
- Allow yourselves to spend as much time as feels right here and then wrap up the practice by saying “Thank you” and “You’re welcome” to each other.
- Finally, I invite you to discuss your insights and feelings, whether after the practice or throughout!
It’s possible that this is the first time you’ve truly taken your time to explore this part of your partner’s body with this intentional focus, being open to just noticing what’s true for you…
Honouring what’s there and giving the feelings time to evolve, if they would like to.
This is very different than the often routine ‘performance’ of a sexual experience, in which we set aside our emotions and rush towards arousal and orgasm!
Your partner may ALSO notice how different this felt – he may have experienced the honour and love sent towards him and his body, which may be very healing for him too!
What if you don’t have a partner to do this practice with?
You can use a penis-shaped tool, so that you can explore it both visually and with touch. I invite you to find one that is as realistic as possible!
Then, you can leave somewhere in sight in your bedroom for example, so that you can help your nervous system get used to seeing a penis regularly in your everyday life..
Whatever we’re regularly exposed to, we begin to normalize to!
A realistic penis-shaped tool that I was drawn (and no surprise here since I love crystal) is this crystal wand – the Obsidian Stratum Yoni Wand.
Crystals have healing properties that you can read all about here.
And why this one?
It is a realistic shape – a realistic head of an uncircumcised penis and the shaft is realistic even down to the veins!
It is missing are the testicles, so if you’d like to expose yourself to that part of a man’s body also you’re welcome to look for the full package! (ha, get it?)
This wand is made of obsidian is one of the most powerful stones used for healing, blocking negativities and releases harboured emotions.
Obsidian is black in colour, with some possible gold sheen that can sometimes be noticed in the sunlight!
The Obsidian Stratum Yoni Wand is 7.5” long, 1.3″ wide at the shaft and 1.6″ wide at the largest section of the head.
This is between the size 7 and 8 dilator of a typical 8 dilator set.
I invite you to check in with yourself – what have you noticed in this exploration around how you feel about the penis body part? Even looking at pictures of this crystal may have already helped some thoughts or emotions to surface!
These insights may signal whether this practice is relevant for you on your journey, or not.
AND being present to how you feel every step of the way will help you create a healthy relationship to this part of a man’s body, EVEN to the point of having it be a turn-on!
Would you consider getting yourself a penis-shaped tool, whether for this practice or to use as part of your dilating kit? If you too like the ones I picked and would like to invest in it – the Obsidian Stratum Yoni Wand is $149.99.
What I love about Gemstone Yoni is that their crystal toys are certified by the Gemological Institute of America, meaning they are safe, pure and authentic gemstones that have not been heated, dyed or altered.
And because I value high quality products at a reasonable price…
I’ve partnered with Gemstone Yoni to provide you with a 15% discount! Just use code KATRINWITHLOVE at checkout.
Please comment below with your thoughts about anything I shared!
AND, I want to congratulate you for committing to your healing journey by doing your research and reading this!
Starting is the hardest step and that means you’re well on your path to healing! Celebrate that fact today… How about a body massage?
And if you haven’t gotten your hands on my free online course yet, get “Putting Vaginismus In The Past” now.
To your sexual liberation!
– Katrin, with Love