Okay.
You might be thinking…
What is this woman talking about?
I ask you to have an open mind for a minute. There’s a theory of reincarnation. That we are spiritual beings having a human body experience.
Meaning that at the core, this theory suggests that we are balls of energy, souls, and we choose to live on Earth in a physical body…
The soul which in its essence is a creation and experience of pure, unconditional love decides to live a life of duality – good and bad, pleasure and pain, sorrow and joy.
And that soul chooses its physical body and it’s main life experiences.
Some great ones, some shitty ones.
Why the shitty ones you ask? To learn certain lessons.
And with each lifetime on Earth, to get one step closer to embodying its divine quality of unconditional love right here, on Earth.
That’s the theory of reincarnation, in its short version.
The first book I read on the topic is Michael Newton’s Journey of Souls, which I highly recommend if this topic peaks your curiosity.
What does this have to do with painful sex and vaginismus, you ask?
Some people believe that certain physical manifestations in this lifetime are due to emotional wounds that were received in a previous life.
For example, a mysterious pain in the neck that no doctors of today could diagnose or treat may be a result of a horrific death experience in a past life, where you were repeatedly stabbed in the neck.
In this lifetime, with your soul, you may carry the memory of pain in trauma in that part of you, but now in your new body.
All in all…
Answers of your current suffering may be found in information about your past lives.
In fact, therapy that can achieve this is called Past Life Regression Therapy.
So what is Past Life Regression Therapy?
This is a deep state of hypnosis, in which you are able to make contact with yourself (the soul).
The messages you receive can be done through seeing images, hearing sounds or voices, or just knowing – all in a dream-like state.
So during this hypnosis, you know where your physical body is located, you are aware of your surroundings and your facilitator guiding you through the journey, but you’re also experiencing what feels like a lucid dream.
Depending on what your intention is, you can get answers to questions like what is your purpose in this lifetime, what are your pain lessons, why did you choose to live through certain circumstances, or to meet certain people, and you can get answers to mysterious things happening to you, like certain pain in my case.
You see, I didn’t have explicit sexual trauma in this lifetime. However, I have experienced other events that greatly influenced my view of eroticism – I dive into this in my Emotional Healing Journey online course.
In any case, I wanted to explore a Past Life Regression session anyways to see what would come out of it.
My intention was to find out the source of my vaginismus, if it has to do with a past life and to learn what my purpose in this life is.
What I saw gave me some answers alright.
My Past Life Regression
I met my friend Ezgi Inci at a meditation-related workshop. She is a certified Past Life Regression Therapist and I experienced a Past Life Regression with her.
I was excited, but nervous.
I had tried this once before with another therapist, but I wasn’t able to relax into it and get to a deep enough level to bypass my mind’s attempt at control and surrender to my soul. Instead, I did other deeply healing work around my relationship to myself and my parents which proved to be exactly what I needed in the moment.
I felt safe and hopeful that this time I’ll get to experience the magic and I allowed myself to sink into whatever was to come.
With my intentions set, I listened to Ezgi as she guided me to a deep state of relaxation.
She did this by gradually taking me back into recalling my childhood, then my time in my mother’s womb, then a past life and then some other wonderful memories between lives on Earth.
My Childhood Memories
The first memory I went back to was of me making puzzles at around 6 years of age. I used to love putting puzzles together in this particular moment, I was sitting by myself in our living room in Bulgaria, keeping myself entertained while my family was still sleeping.
I had my pyjamas on, my blonde hair messy from sleep and I had not a single care in the world.
It was really interesting recalling this memory and seeing the image in my mind – me sitting on a black leather couch, the puzzle in front of me on the black coffee table, with the TV in the far right corner of the room, our wall unit straight ahead and the door on the far left corner behind me.
I was seeing the image from a 3rd person perspective, almost from above which I found odd.
Then, Ezgi asked me to recall another happy memory from my childhood and I went to a moment when I was riding my bike in front of my grandparents’ cottage just outside of my hometown. This time I saw it in first person, through my own eyes.
It was summer, I felt the sun on my face. I was at peace, looking over at the house, about to take off for another ride down the dusty cottage town street and back.
The Womb
Then, Ezgi asked me to go back to when I was in my mother’s womb. She asked me how it felt.
I didn’t see anything here, but I felt floaty.
A feeling of peace. I had the sense (almost like a knowing) that my mom was excited to have me. She didn’t have any overwhelming feelings of stress, but I sensed that she was busy.
And at that time, she was busy with my parents’ business. Sometimes in recalling this, I ask myself – did I have the sense she was busy directly from the inside the womb experience, or did I know that logically and consciously, and that’s why it came up as an observation?
Who knows? That’s a valid question.
From what I saw later and more importantly what I felt, I’m quite sure myself that I experienced something special and on a different, non-Earthly realm.
Another reminder that I got in this moment was that my parents wanted a boy – as they had told me later in life. It wasn’t that they were very vocal about this preference after I was born, but they did mention it in my life and I also wonder if this created a repression of my femininity (and perhaps sexuality and female sexual organs).
If the knowing that they preferred me to be a boy created my early age tom boy tendencies, and perhaps my desire to be more representative of the masculine.
Here, Ezgi also asked me if I had a sense of my purpose in the world, as a soul usually does at this part of its integration with the body.
I said that I didn’t have a clear knowing of this, but what came up was that my purpose is to spread joy in the world, through being who I am.
The Past Life
For a few minutes Ezgi guided me into an even deeper state of relaxation and then she asked me what do I see…
At this point, I felt a bit of discomfort, because I didn’t seem to see anything.
With some time and patience, I was able to surrender and suddenly I saw green grass beneath my field.
A field that I was walking through, seeing it from first person. I allowed myself to surrender further and trust myself and as I went up on a hill, a farmhouse came into my view.
A large brown, wooden home, with what seemed like a barn on the right. In a matter of seconds, I was at the entrance and I noticed a horse stables, with 5 horses inside on each side. I was now inside the barn, walking when I noticed a man come out of the home, as though to greet me. He was wearing dark working pants and a light shirt.
Something within me recognized this man – one of my most significant romantic partners until this moment in my life.
Ezgi guided me to establish that there was nothing else of significance for me to know in this scene and she asked me to go to the next significant for me event in this lifetime.
I found myself standing outside the front door of this farm, waiving goodbye to my partner. With my kids, a boy and a girl, standing beside me.
He was in the back f a horse-carriage waving goodbye and I knew this was the last time I’d see him. He was off to war and my soul knew he wouldn’t return, hence this moment was significant.
Ezgi asked me how I was feeling, my husband going off to war and I responded that I was sad, but I was trying to keep it together and be strong for my kids.
She asked how my kids were handling it and I answered that they were okay, not yet knowing what this meant for them.
At that point, she asked me to look into the eyes of each child, to see if I recognize them as people in my life in this current lifetime. I did and as though instantly, I recognized the older boy as my sister in this life, and the younger girl as my best friend.
This was really an odd feeling – this knowingness was just there, without having to think about it.
The Death Scene
Ezgi asked me to go to the last event in that lifetime, the death scene.
An image entered my head and I was seeing this from third person.
I saw myself in a bed in the same house. The kids were gone out of town somewhere, as though they were with their respective families and I had been a widow for a while now, alone.
I knew that there was an army man in the house, who had come through the area with a group of others. I knew his intentions were bad.
He entered the room and in a fast forward kind of way that only left me feeling violated, I knew he had sexually assaulted me.
I think the soul sees these events from up above, as it disassociates from the body especially in such emotionally painful events.
What I remember clearly after the man had left the room is the feeling of rocking back and forth. I was curled up in a ball in the seated position, holding myself and rocking back and forth.
And I knew this was the end.
At this point, something really cool happened. I started to feel an overwhelming sense of lightness and freedom.
Like “Yes, I’m out of this body!” It felt AMAZING.
As I was basking in this feeling, Ezgi asked me a bit about the event I experienced.
She first asked me if I knew that man and I said no, although I reluctantly had a small idea of who it might be but I didn’t want to say the name.
Then, she asked me how I felt about what had happened. And surprisingly, I had the feeling of completion and peace about it – after all, this was an event that I had chosen to experience and I had even made the agreement with this other soul to sexually assault me. For a purpose for me to have this human experience and to learn a lesson from it.
I agreed to do a forgiveness exercise in which I brought his soul forward, I forgave him and then I asked him for forgiveness. Often, its soul pairs like this that act in certain events FOR each other, which means it’s possible that I also did him harm at one point or another.
Then, Ezgi asked me if I knew why I chose to experience this.
And what came loud and clear is that I was supposed to experience sexual trauma so that I can learn to forgive, to love and accept the human body, to welcome and celebrate the feminine energy of the female body, and to experience the sensuality and sexuality it brings.
Moreover, to have this experience so that I could overcome it, find forgiveness and help others who have been in the same shoes do the same.
This was huge for me and for my sense of purpose in the world.
Transitioning
Now that I got some answers related to my experience of vaginismus in the current life AND I discovered some insights on my purpose in life as a result of this experience, I was ready to see what happened next.
The overwhelming feeling of lightness I told you about wasn’t going away.
I felt light physically and I also saw light in my inner vision. I felt as though I was in a tunnel of light and I was moving upward.
Then, it’s as though I arrived and I suddenly saw waves of light and energy. And the feeling of ecstacy increased! I would have basked in this sensation forever. I didn’t want it to stop and I still remember how it felt, although I cannot recreate the feeling.
It felt like a healing chamber, to help the soul return to its full health and power after experiencing a traumatic event.
That made so much sense – it was definitely a healing experience.
The Reunion
Next, I was greeted by what seemed to be soul family and although I didn’t see any clear images, I felt that I greeted my sister, who was at the front centre of the group.
Next, I asked to see my small study group. I immediately found myself in a library-looking study and the 4 of us greeted each other so casually, as though we saw each other yesterday, but also with so much joy and lightheartedness. I sense a confirmation that our plans in this lifetime are going just as intended.
There were 3 guys and myself and I sensed that they were my partner, a childhood friend and a recent friend also on a spiritual discovery journey. It was cool to see them there – it felt so familiar and right, as though it was a routine meeting.
Finally, I asked to see my guide. Immediately, I saw a tall, dark haired man and had an overwhelming feeling of joy.
He said something along the lines of “Oh you made it!” and I got the sense that he is a joker and takes every opportunity to enjoy life. I had the immediate feeling that I strive to be like that and I should do this more often in my current life.
I had the knowing of his name (Zed) and we didn’t talk much. It was just nice being in each other’s company for a brief moment. I blanked out on wanting to know anything, or be anywhere. I was just enjoying the magic of feeling like I’m home.
The Wrap-Up
And that was the close of the session. Ezgi gradually brought me back and I gained awareness of my physical body much quicker than it took to go under hypnosis.
I came out with a newfound sense of peace for my vaginismus experience, since I had some answers on what kind of traumatic memories my body was actually storing.
It was beautiful and for anyone with whom this resonates, I highly recommend that you have a Past Life Regression Session.
Even better is if you do this before you read any of the material on others’ experiences (and Michael Newton’s detailed case studies and dialogues between him and his clients).
I definitely had some expectations/prior understanding of the process and what people typically see and I wonder if any of it impacted my objectivity in my experience.
And still.
Especially the phases of transition, the healing chamber and meeting with my small group and guide were so unique on a sensation level (of feeling joy and lightness) that there must be something to them outside of my mental idea of these concepts.
Please comment below with your thoughts about anything I shared!
AND, I want to congratulate you for committing to your healing journey by doing your research and reading this!
Starting is the hardest step and that means you’re well on your path to healing! Celebrate that fact today… How about a body massage?
And if you haven’t gotten your hands on my free online course yet, get “Putting Vaginismus In The Past” now.
To your deep healing!
– Katrin, with Love
